"Is it truly my rebirth?"

By May Chreideh

“Dear God, you’re the Only One I seek and the Only One I worship. Through You, I knew love,

and You brought this love to me. I want to thank You as the snow kisses my nose, I would like to

thank You for the love I sought. Dear God, please forgive me and forgive him, forgive us for all

our sins, the ones we did in broad daylight and the ones stuck beneath our teeth. Dear God,

please make this house full of peonies, and keep those green eyes smiling at me. I know there’s a

massive leak in our house, but it’s getting together. Dear God, please bring him to Your righteous

path and make him seek You and Only You. Dear God, love is prayer and prayer is love, please

let this love last long. Please, as snow falls down my face I weep, You are the Only One who can

hear me. Dear God, you’re the Only One I seek and the Only One I worship, keep his love alive

even after my death and give me my rebirth; I no longer recognize myself.”

“If I die, would you ever come to my funeral?” he asked on a random Friday morning, they woke

up in each other’s arms like they always do. This time, she was wide awake too, she couldn’t tell

him about the dream she had last night whilst being in his arms; she looked at the broken door of

her closet and then looked at him. “You know, you’re the soul of my soul, I would rather be

buried with you than come and visit you.”

“I only die when you let me go, and I only return to life so I could love you.”

******

And she never heard that question again. She would wake up ten minutes earlier than him and

wait for the question to be asked one more time, but Fridays passed, and he didn’t ask, she was

sick to her stomach. Dancing their way through Monday, he decided not to go to work and cook

them his infamous orzo, which was her favourite. One thing about them, he cooks, and she pours

as many plates for him as if she made the food herself. He kisses her hands after handing him his

plates and she shivers as if it’s the first time he’d ever kissed her hands. “Thank you for pouring

me from your beautiful hands over and over, thank you for this beautiful roof, thank you for the

light in your eyes, thank you for being here, thank you for knowing me more than anyone else.

Thank you for loving me when no one else does, thank you for seeing through my soul. Thank

you for making me the soul of your soul. I love you, and I only return to life when I love you

even when I don’t love myself.”

“What about the days you couldn’t love me for loving you way too much? Now, how can I love

myself? Do you even know me as I know you?” she thought, swallowing the rest of her questions

with the infamous seafood orzo. Putting down her spoon, she reached to cup his face warmly; he

would always fold like a bird that's been dying to reach its nest. “You’re welcome. I would also

 want to thank you for your existence and for every breath that you take when you’re around me.

I love you till the end of time, even when I don’t love myself either.”

*****

It didn’t take her two days to mourn herself, only a kiss on a broken bed. She lost herself to him

ever since, carrying his house and the spark in his eyes on her back. She found herself finding

joy in doing dishes, making a broken bed, and loving the space between their teeth. His drunken

smile, and so many other things. She forgot herself, and that was her death, but the question

remains ambiguous; will she ever find herself if she only sees herself through his eyes?