Dating
by Mariana Chajon Oliveros
ACT I
SCENE I
Two new lovers are sitting close together in bed. Their heads are pressed together looking down at a phone screen. They are looking at each other’s Instagram followers for fun. ARUN is looking at PEARL’s account.
ARUN
Huh, that’s an odd username. Who is this?
PEARL
Oh, ugh…that’s a guy I went out with for like two months. He called me a bitch twice, so I ended things with him. He took it super badly and went on Twitter and said a bunch of misogynistic things like “women are all liars,” or whatever. Terrible, terrible man. I don’t know why he still follows me, I unfollowed him the day I ended things.
ARUN
Oh, what a loser!
PEARL
Yeah…
ARUN
(keeps scrolling) What about this person?
PEARL
Hmmm, that’s weird, I actually don’t remember who this is…
(looks up at the ceiling thinking)
Oh, nevermind! Yeah, he actually lives close by, I think so, it’s kinda spooky, but he was the classic guy who DMs you for five minutes then asks you to come over. Gross!
ARUN
Yeah, that sounds pretty bad.
PEARL
Not as bad as this one guy…he’s not in my followers but I met him ONCE at a party, and he began the conversation by saying he had a girlfriend, but then went on about how “pretty I was” and how he would love to date someone like me. He even tried to kiss me when I said goodbye to him. Fucking weirdo. Then he found my Instagram and DMed me all the time, commented on my pictures and all. I blocked him after he DMed me that he had broken up with his girlfriend.
ARUN
What the heck, what party even was that? Nobody checked in on you or told him to back off?
PEARL
Uuuh I think it was like a party with a bunch of rich people…actually, yeah, the people were terrible. The friend I went with ended up DMing me inappropriate things as well and then I cut him off, too.
ARUN remains silent.
PEARL
Was that TMI?
ARUN
It’s fine, I’m just a little shocked.
PEARL Right…well, I have some funny stories, too, like the ones you had, if you wanna hear?
ARUN
Uh, yeah sure.
PEARL
Okay sooo…(PEARL thinks). Right, so, you see this guy? Also don’t know why he follows me ’cause I ghosted him ages ago but—my God is this story weird—we matched on Bumble, talked a little, he was nice, we added each other on Instagram, blah, blah, blah. So he tells me he likes drawing, that it’s like a passion of his. I got really interested because I like artsy people, so I ask him to show me some of his drawings. This man sends me a picture of what I think is an octopus? Still not sure. It’s like just drawn on some paper with like Crayola wax crayons and it looks like a three-year-old made it. I mean, just like squibbles and terrible coloring. It was so bad and he was so proud of it! (ARUN laughs). I still can’t believe it. And! Before you call me mean, it’s okay that I’m making fun of him ’cause he was cheating on his girlfriend, and that’s why I ghosted him.
ARUN
Okay that one was better, but all these men just do horrible things, like what, not a single one was good? Do you have ANY good stories? Like, someone who’s not a bad person.
PEARL
(thinks)
ARUN
Come on, not all men are bad…
THE END.
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